She's JV to your varsity
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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