his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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