Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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