Pappa wants mamma naked
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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