Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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