I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
How's work?
Spinning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
