Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
