the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
