made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
