my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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