Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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