I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Couch. On fire.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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