i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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