I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Panties = found
Randomize
