I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I need a beard to bite.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
