my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
May the power of my ass compel you!!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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