I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
