i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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