Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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