She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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