my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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