I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
