actually, I'm a sock model
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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