I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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