my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
