i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
