So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize