it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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