kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
