so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize