The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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