I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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