then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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