Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
