you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
