I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
just found out that she named her cat after me.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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