If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize