When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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