Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
