as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Come back. Shots need mouths.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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