lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
