She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
But theres a keg here and me gusta
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
