I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
