My liver just broke up with me...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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