I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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