I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
