I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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