your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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