On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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