i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My dick has a subreddit
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize