i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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