My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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