I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Alive.
So much puke
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
