mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
