my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
