WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
