Cold hands, warm shart.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
