Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
