you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize