I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
