Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
