I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
