He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
